Today 20 May 2011, the last time i blog was in 2008 and that was 3 years ago, damn long. My girl coming 4 this year. Depression is coming again..........and my heart is harden, no tears. how i wish i can be crybaby but simply there isn't any tears coming out. and at this time i can't sleep.after so many years, why today can't sleep? i really don know what happen to me.......thinking of the past, its always happy to think of the good memories...... i try to think of the bad memories just to make myself cry but too bad, no tears.

My brother has been dead for almost two years and so many things had changed after his death. Imagine when he just passed away, i suffered from depression again and that makes me quit my job and now although i found a job that is paying better than my previous company, i don feel happy at all. thinking of the responsbilities of being an asst manager, is not good. Things changed so much. I gone thru my previous blog and saw what i written. i enjoy seeing him smile and his smile brighten my days, but now i seldom see him smile at me and he won't even have the chance to see me smile cos i already stop smiling. I always gave him that kind of face that he feel irritated and fustrated. when my girl is around, we barely talk and i don 't even have the chance to talk to him.... most of the time we end up quarrelling.......... becos of my girl.

he said i rather think of my work and don even want to bother about her. no wonder she is not close to me. sometimes she don even want to bother about me too....... funny, a mother who don really know how to be a mother. like my mum said, you only know how to carry her in your stomach for 9 months but you don know how to take care of her.

sad to say, my heart is very cold, i don show my emotions outside. even if i love my family, i will not show, i will only know how to keep it to heart. things are different now, sometimes its better to be dating instead of being married.... after marriage things change.

just now was online with my GM from 1045pm till midnight, so many things to report to him and i told him i want to transfer back and he ask me to stay put. i suggest that i don want to see my import dept being messed out, and he tell me he need me and is need me badly.....how how how? what shall i do, i already tendered six times and being rejected by him and ppl ask me to be firm but my heart soft when i face him, he can change an object from black to white, very difficult. ppl ask me to go straight to my boss but i can't i don want to overwrite him....what shall i do, i am unhappy and is it becos he need my help thats why he want me to stay, sometimes i was thinking if one day i being useless will he still want me to stay. why am i always so soft hearted? wondering and wondering why when i face him, my heart will just become soft, really don know. sometimes i don even know what kind of feelings is that. i hate that kind of feelings that i have for him..... why why why? its not love but its some kind of weird feeling, i don know how to describe,i feel so stress inside, what kind of feeling is that, why i keep thinking about him...... it started six months ago and suddenly it stop and now the feeling come back again, what is the hell am i doing, i can;t understand........ and just now he told me he need me badly, and he even joke, maybe next ime he marry me, haha cold joke sia. i tell him next life then he come and marry me lor LOL......

damn sianz................................ finally my heart is lighten now, after i throw out my feelings. see how lor. i don know what will happen next. next week i will approach my boss and request for transfer.......... in HQ, i am like a mouse, in Airport i am like a tiger. haha..........although its tough but at least i am happy there....... and i hope he can come back with me but i knowhe won't cos he said he will not go back there anymore,,,,,,,,,, but hope miracle happens...............cya